I have been looking to get back into full-time policing and I have been asking myself, "Why?" I have been retired since 1999 from the police department, after 23 ½ years, and I left my part-time gig with the U.S. Marshal's Service a couple months ago. I mentioned this at breakfast last week with my two retired FBI friends. I didn't mention that I was feeling some internal stress about whether I could cut it again. Both of them are long-time SWAT, fugitive task force commanders, and Viet Nam vets. Somehow, without mentioning my concerns, we got on the topic of the stages cops go through in their careers and how the locker room rhetoric changes with years and experience levels.

Al remarked that the young cops are filled with bravado and a sense of invulnerability. Taking down the next bad guy, winning a physical confrontation, going to that next man with a gun call, and getting into a major pursuit are all these young officers want to do. As he talked I remembered when I was like that. In fact, when my friends think I am being too critical of police officers and some of the bad choices they make, they are quick to remind me of just how wild, crazy, and fearless I was in my younger years; and they are right. The key word here is fearless. You did not, and you will not, see me use the word brave. In my early years I often I created more danger by my actions, not less.

One example: As a young officer I watched as senior officers took more time to approach people and calls, evaluating and planning, while I responded by jumping into the middle of the fray. I went through a lot of good, experienced partners because I was quick to criticize their hesitancy. I saw it as a reluctance to act. When they criticized me for not waiting for them I thought of them as "retired on the job" because they did not want to run down that dark alley to chase everyone who fled from them. I would complain about their reluctance to get into vehicle pursuits and call them "old lady drivers." I found a million and one reasons to complain about their work and their work ethic. I was one of the "New Centurions" - the professional police officer, and things were going to be different when all these old guys retired.